# 3

Okay... you baby. Once, I met this girl, and I was kinda crushing on her. This was right before I went on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. During LDS missions, missionaries are expected to put away all their worldly cares (including girls) while they focus on sharing the Gospel and service.

Well, it turned out this girl was going on a mission too, and at right about the same time, and to the same country. That meant that I'd end up seeing her for a week or two in the Brazilian Missionary Training Center. So time passed and I went on my mission. There I was, being diligent and focused in the Brazilian MTC and then one day I saw that girl. I totally forgot that our times were going to overlap, and it totally took me by surprise. There I was, a new missionary, totally trying to keep the rules, and this girl I was crushing on showed up.

Now the next part was immature and childish, but, if you know me even a little, that shouldn't be surprising. I was embarrassed that I still was crushing on this girl because now I was a missionary. I didn't know what to do, so I fell back on the time honored tradition of just pretending she wasn't there. So that's what I did. I never said "Hi" once. I never looked at her when we passed in the hallway; never waved in the lunchroom. It got to be really awkward (imagine that). Sometimes we'd be pretty much right next to each other, and I just pretended like she didn't exist. I could feel her looking at me. At meals, she started sitting facing me, and looking at me for the whole meal (it was bad... I felt bad, but since I'd started, I couldn't stop--what was I going to say "Oh hey, hey that was you this whole time... I thought maybe it was... uhhh, someone invisible..."). So I finally left, never having ever acknowledged her once.

I got to the point where I could realize how dumb I'd been, and just kinda laugh at it. I'd tell other missionaries about how dumb I'd been. We'd laugh about it. I could laugh about it because it was in the past. It was over and done. I got back from my mission and guess who was in my Portuguese class! That's right. That same girl. I went back to ignoring again... This time she didn't stare. She bought into the ignoring thing.

We continued this way until we were put into a group together. At that point, she said something like, "Oh, hey, didn't I know you before my mission?" I am grateful she provided me that out instead of just saying, "Why have you been ignoring me for 2 years?" I just kind of played it off like, "Umm... did I? Oh yeah, yeah, we lived in the same apartment complex." Like I said, horribly awkward, after that group session, we went back to ignoring each other. She'd pop up every now and then at parties, and sometimes my guilty conscience drove me to attempt awkward small talk (and not the good type of awkward small talk, when it's awkward and I think it's funny--I'm talking about the bad type of awkward small talk where your face blushes and it makes you drink your punch really quickly so you can get a refill). Anyway, sometimes I get horribly awkward dealing with girls that I have crushes on.

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Jail Bait

So we have tons of underage girl extras, so i told the grips that i'd pay $5 to the first person to get 3 of their numbers. Here's the winner- congrats josh (he's married too, even funnier). Oh my glamorous movie life... OK - so i had the mobile picture posted of all the numbers on a piece of gaff tape, but i realized that all of the numbers were legible, soooo i deleted it.

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What A Girl Really Wants, Really

For some reason, when I was a freshman in college, I was really convinced that girls were really into guys with really big jaws. Since I really wanted to be a stud, I took it upon myself to get a really big jaw. "But how do you get a big jaw?" you might wonder. This is how--you chew a lot of gum.

I started chewing 2 pieces of Bubbleyum (preferably watermelon) at a time. For those of you who don't know, that's a lot of gum. Some people I know only chew a half piece of Bubbleyum at a time. It's really that big. I'd go through quite a bit of gum a day, but it was a worthwhile sacrifice in my quest for a really big jaw. I thought it would be really funny if I started saving all the chewed gum in a ball (partially in homage to Pee Wee's aluminum foil ball, and partially to annoy my roommate).

The ball grew and grew, until it was really big. My roommate dared me to try and chew it, and I thought, "Why not?" I washed the dust off the ball, and tried to get it in my mouth all at once (which was quite the feat, it was a really big ball). I started chewing and--IT WAS SO HARD TO CHEW!!! I had discovered the holy grail of getting a really big jaw! Not only was it a lot of gum for my poor jaw to chew, it was also hard dry gum. I started chewing it regularly, and in no time, I had a really big jaw. Honestly, I'd clench my jaw and it was like I had 2 walnuts in my mouth.

1) It didn't really work. I didn't get any chicks.

2) Now my jaw clicks whenever I yawn. I'm afraid that I'm going to get jawrthiritis.

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Dating Art Majors

So I like art majors. I think that there are a lot of them who have a nice, defined style (taking whatever you got and making it work). There are also a lot of them who have very nice freckles, which is a huge plus.

BYU was having an art contest, and I saw the winning pieces and thought,"Wow, those are really good." Then I realized that I had dated the first and second place winner. Here's how it went with the first place winner...

I took a class with her right after my mission, and was immediately drawn to her because of her freckles and her Apple laptop. She always sat with a certain boy, who I took to be her boyfriend. Years later, it turns out that it was just her best friend's older married brother. In retrospect, I remember being confused about why she never wore her wedding band. About a year and a half after that, a friend wanted to set me up with her. I met her, but had my sights set on a different freckled girl (GF#2), who I ended up dating. After that relationship ended, and another one ended, some mutual friends told me that I should still ask her out. So I did. I don't know if you have ever kind of had a crush on someone, only to find out they are madly crushing on you? For some reason, to me, that's kind of a turn off. It's apparently this sick disease I have where I can only crush on girls who dislike me.

Anyway, she kind of warmed up and was very nice and very sincere, and I kind of cooled down... It wasn't totally my fault. She invited me to come inside, and then her dad kept speaking to me in Portuguese (which she doesn't speak). Only recently did she start talking to me again.

Now for the second place winner... I hope this doesn't make me seem like too much of a jerk. For some reason, people that don't know any better think that a film major is an attractive major. It's not. Once I bought a BYU Law t-shirt just to wear it (never saying that law school was my plan) and hopefully give girls the unconscious impression that I could offer stability. I can't. Anyway, all the girls in the class were easily impressed freshman, and I think they were easily impressed by my major. One of these girls had very good style though... I remember telling my mom about her orange moccasins. That wasn't the best idea because then for the next year my mom would keep asking, "What about that orange moccasin girl? Do you still see her?" Anyway, when I heard that she kind of had an interest in me, it gave me the necessary guts to ask her out. I did, and we had fun breaking into an abandoned house. We went out several times. I came to a fork in the road however, to the left lay orange moccasin girl, and to the right lay GF#2. I chose GF#2 because she was a little more mature.

About a year later, GF#2 was out of the picture, and on an impulse (I worried about the ethics of this, but several girls assured me it wasn't that bad), I called up orange moccasin girl again. We went out to a coffin factory and had a good time, and I also started dating GF#3 around that same time. Once again, I found myself at a fork in the road, and didn't choose orange moccasin girl for the same reason. Yes, I realize I did this twice. I realize this is a really bad thing to do to someone, but it was never something I set out to do... and if I would've chosen her fork the second time, it would've been insincere. Anyway, this girl still won't talk to me. When she sees me on campus, she turns her head. When she sees me at parties, she leaves. I can't really blame her. HOWEVER, if she didn't ignore me, I'd probably ask her out again--I bet we'd still have fun.

I wonder if the two of them ever get together and talk trash about me. I would...

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Requests requests requests

As I've been reading many a blog lately, I've been realizing that as far as personal blogs go, most people just post stuff to make them look cool. Upon this realization, my first thought was something mean, then I thought, "Do I do that? Wait, for real, do I do that?" Yeah, I kinda do. There's no real way to escape from presenting yourself to the world subjectively. You'll always have an angle. I like to think however that I don't try to make myself look as cool as certain ex-crushes of mine do. That's okay. I'll forgive her, she's from Huntington Beach.

I realize about 4 people read this blog. And I thank the 4 of you for your readership. I thought that I'd let you request subjects that you'd like me to cover, or rather, choose a story that I could then tell. Possible subjects and stories include:

1 - Ex-girlfriends (topic)
2 - Dating art majors (story)
3 - Ignoring girls around whom I feel awkward (story)
4 - Pranks (topic)
5 - Crushes in general and how they come and go so easily. Nevermind, that's pretty much it right there.
6 - My paradoxical relationship with scenesters, including a rap that I wrote (topic)
7 - Semi-paralyzing anxiety relating to my present situation and my future (admitting to this makes me feel less manly, soooo here's to getting over it--actually, when people post about this, it's mainly just boring)(topic)
8 - Any other requests (topic or story)

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Following Impulses, pt. 2

Alright, before you read this post, you need to read this post. Trust me.

Let me clarify something real quick about the compulsion to check back on each of these secret crushes. I have reason to believe that they both had crushes on me. I'll relate the story of the college one only now, we'll save the high school one for later.


I was a freshman in college, and I had a thing for surfer chicks. I also continue to have a thing for freckles. Lo and behold, as I am going to a pre-freshman year leadership course, I meet a freckle faced surfer chick. I get her number, and when I call her, bad thing #1 occurs to me. Her roommate is the only other girl from my high school that went to my college. Normally this wouldn't be such a bad thing, but apparently she had a crush on me, and instead of taking her to prom, I asked and took her best friend (come on, one has to be sincere). I guess it was all the worse that she was the senior student body president, so she was able to plan and do all the work for prom, then stay at home and cry her eyes out...by herself (okay, now I'm sounding like a bad guy even to myself, especially because I was "just friends" with her best friend--I just didn't want to send the Pres. a message that I was interested).

Anyway, I call her on the phone, we hang out, whatever. I had never kissed a girl (I had been kissed twice, but that's another great story), and it was because I had this huge irrational fear of closing my eyes and leaning in and kissing a girl's nose. As we were talking one night, surfer chick (who is my ex-college crush) somehow managed to get me to confess this. After that, she said, "Well, I wish that the boy that I like would just kiss me, but he's scared to kiss a girl. What do you think about that?" Well, I thought, "She's talking about me," and I asked her out. She said yes, and it was looking good. Just to double check things, I asked her roommate if, when she was talking about that boy was who was scared to kiss girls, she was talking about me. "Umm, I dunno, you might want to check with her," was the response that I got. So I called her back and said, "Hey Surfer Chick, when you were talking about that guy that you like that's scared to kiss you, you were talking about me, right?" Her response, "No." Immediately I explained that I had misread her and called off the date. Also, I became very cynical towards girls for the rest of my freshman year, and declared that skiing was my new girlfriend.

As I've talked to various girls about what happened, I heard two different things. 1 -- What a mean girl/tease. 2 -- She was into you, she just freaked out when you called her on it and denied everything. I would like to believe that the 2nd option is true. But then again, I have gone through a lot of self-torment about the situation that will have been totally in vain if I ever find out that the 2nd option is true.

The story continues. After serving a 2 year mission for the LDS church in Brazil, I ran into her again. Now, on that mission, we weren't supposed to have any girlfriendy relationships with chicks, so I was rusty. She ran into me at the library and the conversation went like this: "MyFakename!" "Oh, yeah, surfer chick." I looked at her for a moment, decided that I had no idea what to do, nor was I comfortable in the slightest with the situation, then I walked away, once again pretending like she didn't exist.

I guess I've had relatively low self-esteem with the ladies. I'm not totally sure why. Let me just put it this way--the first time I ever held a girl's hand, I was 21, and we'd already been dating for 5 months. After that, it took me another month and a half to kiss her. I'm a bit of a slow mover. Tonight, hanging out with friends, I was still feeling sick, and so I decided to come home and go to bed. I checked my Facebook account and I had one new message. It said,

Hi!
OF COURSE I had a crush on you. Please, like who didn't? Although 7 years and 500 miles separate us, I probably am still fatally attracted to you.
Fakename.

I've added a couple of extra hard returns here to verbally symbolize the awkard silence that filled my red red ears. And my face was red... very red. Glad I didn't publish this note on Facebook.

Then, I must admit, I started smiling (how could I not? Those were her exact words). AND at that very moment this song began playing on iTunes (fyi, the song is called "I've Never Found A Girl" by Eddie Floyd, from the Stax-O'-Soul sampler, which I got from DeaconBlues1103's excellent blog)...

Yeah, so... it was all too perfect. I wonder how many times we beat ourselves up over something that's really nothing? Or assume the absolute worst about something when it may very well be the absolute opposite? I think I probably do it quite a bit. Also... now... I am glad that I did one of those things that I normally don't do. This whole "living life balls out" thing has been pretty good, so far. Honestly, even before this happened, it just felt better, to take those chances and say those things and whatnot. Lastly, 7 years can be covered in a single sentence ("Good, but lonely."), but how fast can I cover 500 miles?

PS - It took forever to find a embeddable flash player for audio, so let me know if you want the code. And lastly, I really miss being able to indent? Anyone know how to do it?

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Things from my Old Blog

Well, I'm sick. I don't recall having been this sick in a long time. I couldn't sleep that well though I tried to for about 17 hours. Honestly, some of my best sleep was when I fell asleep next to the garbage can that I had been trying unsuccessfully to puke in. Well, on that note, here goes... Starting with the first post all the way to the last...


The Absolute Truth



It's true... I love secrets. So you can just pick which of these two pictures you think I really am. Did you know that Max Headroom wasn't computer generated? Or was he. Let me just preface everything written here with the fact that I am a relentless liar, BUT (and this is the thing with liars) how do you know I'm telling the truth.
¬
For that matter, most of the really and truthfully bizarre, strange, and otherwise unbelievable things that I have heard in my life have been nonfiction (a dirty little word that some call truth). I mean, truth's not all that bad. What's so great about truth is that it's always around, so you can always come back to it. Sometimes you only get one chance for a REALLY good lie, so here's to always taking that chance. Here's to me starting a blog instead of the hundred other really pressing things that I could be doing.

Public Bathrooms


Public bathrooms. This is the first, but definitely not the last, time that I will bring this up. It's an interesting place, so private, yet so--um, public. I am pretty firmly against public bathrooms and try not to use them whenever possible. That being said, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Today was one of those days, and I used a public bathroom. Today was also a really long day, and sometimes I have the tendency to just sit and relax and decompress on the toilet. Foolishly, I was doing the aforementioned when someone entered.

It's one thing to privately use a public restroom, but it's an entirely different thing to publicly use a public restroom. So this person came in, and then I heard this high voice talking to itself. It said, "Some people never flush." That's true, some people never do. I thought it was a girl talking. Instantly, I started thinking, "Did I see any urinals in here?" I couldn't remember. I figured that I might have been so tired that I wandered into the girls bathroom, but I didn't--it was just a 12 year old boy. Thanks a lot for freaking me out, 12 year old boy. I think that bathrooms should maybe be divided into high voices and low voices. Maybe not though, if I get stage fright in front of a guy, it would probably be twice as worse in front of a low-voiced girl.

One time, on a high school field trip in my hometown, we went to the city. The teachers turned all the students loose for lunch, and I found myself in a train station with no one else around. There was a girls' bathroom and a boys' bathroom. I thought to myself, "Hey, how about I use a girls' bathroom? I've never done it before, it might be different--and fun!" So I did. I was in that stall not one minute before someone walked in. It was one of the teachers chaperoning the field trip. She must've figured I was a student because she actually talked to me through the stalls (I don't know about girls' bathrooms, but this is a cardinal sin in mens' bathrooms). I tried my best to make my "Mmm Hmm" sound high pitched. I had to wait until she left. I don't think I've used a women's rest room until this past year, just a couple weeks ago. I was at my place of work late one night. There was no one else there, and I used the girls' bathroom once again out of sheer curiousity (which is actually one of my main reasons for doing anything). It wasn't that great. I don't know what I was expecting. They did have free tampons, though.


Halloween


Wow, what a great party it was at the Hollywood House, aka Jock Rock House. Wow, what a great place it was to dance. Wow, what a great music selection, and it was sufficiently loud. There can only be so many disappointing DJs in a row before one goes absolutely crazy. I guess that's the thing about being a DJ-everyone with an iPod thinks they can do it. Well, they probably can. Anyway, does Halloween just get sluttier every year or am I just noticing it now? How much less can people wear? Wait, I do know the answer to that question. Let's phrase it as a question-- What is a "a little bit less" more? Exactly. My favorite part of the night, aside from leaving to go to a different place where people actually had space to dance, was when Rick Kane met up with Lance Burkhardt, Lance was all painted like on the real movie. Oh those Utah surfers. The other favorite part of the night was when Rick Kane looked at me and said, "I sure hope my future wife isn't here." I mean, I always thought he was gay... On a side note, once I saw Lance Burkhardt (well, the actor that played him, you know that guy that never did anything else? what's his name?) He was at X-Dance (what a poser). He had stepped out of the showing of his film to feed his baby. He's actually a pretty small guy, I had no idea. So I went up to him and said, "Hey Laird, I really liked your work in North Shore." He stared blankly, and then said, "Thanks." That was that, my brush with a legend.

Public Bathrooms Again


So, I'm sure there are the silent types out there. You're in a stall, and someone walks in, so you freeze everything, and try to make no sounds. That's okay. There's a lot of you out there, dare I even say there's a lot of us out there? Today, my favorite (not that I really like any of them, but the one that I prefer) bathroom was just full of people. I could not attend to nature's call with so many people crowding me. I went to another bathroom (I try to pick the most out of the way bathrooms, because hopefully there will be less people), but there was one guy in my preferred stall (the one furthest from the door). So I chose the stall furthest away from him (closest to the door). Never having been forced to use that stall until today, I noticed a singular irregularity in the tile at my feet. Hundreds and hundreds of tiles perfectly in perfect little rows, except for one little tile. Who was that tile? Probably **** *********. Anyway, I was now in a predicament, I didn't want to initiate because of the proximity of that guy. Then I noticed that that guy was also not making any sounds. "Oh no," I thought, "what if we are both silent poopers?" We would both just be sitting there forever, silently waiting for the other person to leave so that we could start our business. So we waited in silence. We waited until a third person came in, and then it was safe to make sounds (if it's just one guy, he KNOWS it's you, but with two, you never can be too sure). This is another reason why I hate public bathrooms.

Sofia Coppola—I’m Sorry

Recently, I just watched Bram Stoker's Dracula. It was a free movie on our cable service and I had absolutely nothing to do. Anyway, I have since realized that if Sofia Coppola and I ever met, and she were to take a fancy to me, and maybe even ask me out, I would have to turn her down. Here is why--she would probably like me and we would date, and then she'd invite me to her house for Thanksgiving dinner.

INT. COPPOLA DINING ROOM-- NIGHT

The Coppolas are all sitting at one end of the table, FRANCIS is at the head. ROMAN is wearing a monogrammed shirt. JASON SCHWARTZMAN is there as well. They are pals. I sit at the other end of the table. There is probably a lot of gold--tacky gold, and candles in tacky gold candleabras.

SOFIA
So Daddy, he just saw your Dracula movie!

FRANCIS
Oh you did, did you? Well, what did you think? Speak up?

ME
Dracula? Ha ha. Well... yeah.

FRANCIS
What?

JASON
You didn't actually say anything about that, did you? You just kind of trailed off, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?

Jason is now standing and pointing at me.

ME (VO)
Jason? You? You've turned on me too? But I liked you so much in Rushmore? And even in I Heart Huckabees? People said it felt like a Wes Anderson rip-off but I said, "No, no, it has HEART! (that's a funny little joke as well as a true comment-whatever is in these parentheses doesn't actually get read in the VO, it's just to clarify. I know, I know, witty repartee and impenetrable humor have never been wed in such a way.)

FRANCIS
I have the power to hear your voice over.

ME (VO)
Oh do you, Frrraaaannnnccciiissss(Francis is pronounced like PeeWee says it in PeeWee's Big Adventure)?

FRANCIS
Yes, I do.

ME (VO)
Crap.

FRANCIS
And please, don't use words like that at the dinner table.

ME
Sorry. Okay, I'll be frank (get it? GET IT?) with you (and I guess he's being Frank with me too). I found it cheap, and the most disturbing part was the sexuality, how it was gratuitous and cheapened to the point of pornography. I had to keep fast-forwaring through your film because it was so poor.

SOFIA
But he likes The Godfather, Daddy? He loves it!

ME (VO)
oh crap.

FRANCIS
Enough with the language, please. You haven't seen The Godfather?

ALL
You haven't seen The Godfather?

MARLON BRANDO's head pops out from the side of the frame.

MARLON
You haven't? But you've seen A Streetcar Named Desire, right?

SOFIA
The Conversation?

I shake my head.

Jason, who has since sat down, stands up again, and points.

JASON
WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

I get up slowly, taking my napkin from my collar where I was wearing it like a bib.

ME
I don't know why I tried. I knew I'd never fit in with the Hollywood elite. Sofia, this just was never meant to be. I should've known that after the first time I saw Lost in Translation. AND YOU FRANCIS--

I point--finger trembling with rage.

ME (Cont.)
I NEVER EVER EVER LIKED APOCALYPSE NOW!

A hush falls over the table. Sofia averts her pretty horsey-brown eyes as they fill with tears.

SOFIA (whispering, no--BARELY a whisper)
How could I have been such a fool? Go now... go.

I exit.

FADE OUT:

See? Now I have to hate all the Coppolas except for Roman, he did an excellent job with CQ and actually did very little to make me feel uncomfortable. As for Jason, well he's been so Hollywood ever since he left Phantom Planet. And Sofia, as a final gentlemanly gesture to our never-will-be relationship, I have included only the most flattering pictures of you...



Sofia Coppola--I'm sorry...

Sofia Coppola—Part 2



Dear Sofia Coppola
I watched Lost in Translation again. Still, I am sad to say that it will not work out with me and you (see last entry). However, it still might work out with me and Scarlett, as long as you don't get jealous and interfere. Well, I am sorry -- you had your chance with a genius already, and somehow that slipped your fingers (well, I don't know whose fault it was, but I like Adaptation more than Lost in Translation, so you know whose side I'm going to take). Anyway, let's talk more about Scarlett? What is she like? No matter how much you tried to masculinize her to fit in with your empowered self-image, she somehow still retained an air of femininity--and yes, even that sweet vulnerability that seems to have drawn me in in past times. Hmm, get back to me soon. Maybe you can introduce us at Sundance this year.
Love,
Me

PS - You better do it quick. As I looked for pictures of Scarlett on the internet, I found out that she was wearing a bull ring in her nose after she came back from Jamaica, AND that she signed a record contract to cut an album just of Tom Waits' songs. I might be rapidly losing interest--is her sexiness just the plastic sexiness of Hollywood spin? Maybe yes.

WHY AM I STILL ON HOLD??!!!!!


DEAR E-TRADE,
IT IS NOT 4:03 AM-no, it is. I HAVE BEEN ON HOLD SINCE 1:32 AM. ARE YOU REALLY THAT BUSY? NOT TO BE NEUROTIC OR ANYTHING, BUT THAT'S TWO AND ONE HALF HOURS OF BEING ON HOLD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! Oh, I am sorry, I was unaware that you ran the entire market for the whole of Australia, and they're all calling you RIGHT NOW! AND CHINA TOO! And China 2 - China's revenge!!! That would be a great movie, don't none of you touch that idea, I'm already typing up the treatment. So anyway E-Trade, I hate hate hate you. Thanks for nothing, really, for not being good at anything, I'm going to give up now, and I hate to do that. I hate to give up. As a winner, I really only like to win, and at best this is a tie, I shudder to think what it might be at worst (me being a winner and all).
Love,
Me

PS - I was even going to go for a 3peat of Sofia Coppola blogs, but you even broke that. You are the slave driver that whipped that guy from Reading Rainbow yelling "John John, your name is John!" when he kept yelling "Kunta Kunta Kunta Kinte!" That was so horrible that it was burned into my brain and has since passed from being formative to hilarious, but not in a racist way, in a melodramatic way. You though, E-trade, I doubt will ever make it past the "horrible" stage.

The Cruise, pt. 1


You know, there were a lot of things that I planned on writing in this blog, especially regarding this last break, but I haven't so there. I can't remember a lot of them. There were several things that I do remember though --so, lucky you. And yes, this is the same boat that I was on. I spent a lot of time on the "prow" (i think that means front, or the "starboard"-- whatever) at night time. I really liked the ocean, it was so big. I really appreciate its bigness.

1 - Wow, I dislike Florida. It's like New York's secret elephant dying grounds, but instead of elephants, it's old people that just come there to die. At least the sharks are well fed.

2 - Thanks for having me fill out a slip asking if I've recently had diarrhea (which I did, because of a rather well-timed bout of Christmas food poisoning). Upon reading the slip, I also appreciate you asking about it, then calling over a boss, and having him rather loudly say, "So, you recently had diarrhea?" That also was awesome, and not at all embarrassing. The only people that heard it were my immediate family and the 50 other people in line.

3 - I want to learn to line dance. It was so just not my thing that it was fun--and apparently a lot of girls are into it. And Spanish dancing. There was a Spanish couple that was always dancing, and they were so GOOD! I still don't know if they were lovers or just brother and sister (I understand that Latin dancing is fairly passionate, sooooo......). Anyway, also, thanks to the DJ who played Shakira's newest album in its entirety every single night. I hate not knowing how to dance to something.

4 - That being said. I really really LOVE cruises. I thought that I might have a tough time doing nothing aside from reading and sleeping and eating and dancing, but it turns out that I don't. Eating was fun again! I bet it normally is when you don't have to cook it and clean it up and you actually have a table to eat at, but since my normal experience with meals isn't quite like my meal experience on the cruise ship... I really should get a kitchen table.

5 Movies, All Called “The Return”

Dear Blogger
No, I don't want to switch. I like the old style fine. I don't want to use my Gmail account to sign in, because then I may have to get a Gmail account.

As I was eating breakfast today (I only cook and clean and actually write on this blog when I am putting off doing something important, like a shotlist or rewriting a script that's supposed to get shot ummm tomorrow), I thought of the time that I wrote a letter to Charlie Kaufman. Actually, it was to him in care of his agent. I wonder if he got it. He never did write back. Why not? What else is Oscar-winning Charlie Kaufman going to do with his time? Ummmm, maybe he's busy not finishing the untitled horror piece with Spike Jonze. Not finishing something--I can relate. Writing has seemed to become something that happens when I find there is no possible way to further procrastinate.

Anyway, I digress, I was thinking, "What if I wrote a letter to Martin Scorsece (in care of his agent, of course, unless any of you non-existent readers have his home address) as if I were Kevin Costner?" That letter would probably go like this...

Dear Martin,
Remember how I'm really more of an actor than a director, but I won an Oscar for Directing and you haven't? Yeah, in fact, it was for Cheaper than Wolves or Faster than Wolves (it meant so little to me that I forget its name), and I think it was the same year Goodfellas was nominated and lost... to me.... and Cheaper Than Wolves. I was just thinking that as I ate my cereal today, so I thought I'd drop you a quick note.
Love,
Kev C.

It would make my day to be able to read the letter that Martin would write back.

A General Sort of Dissatiscation

Awwwwww YEAH! February--why is it constantly the worst of times? The darkest and deepest part of winter, the most unbearable part of the semester, the most frigid of relationships. It's almost enough to drive me into the arms of any willing girl. Yeah, maybe I should start thinking about who might be willing...

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Soo, about following impulses...

This is the note that I almost published on Facebook today... The college ex-crush had changed my friend status to a "limited profile" friend (for those of you that are Facebook illiterate, that would mean that certain things, like contact info, were no longer viewable by me). I thought that it was so funny that she did that (or even thought that I might stalk her), that I drafted a note that would've been viewable to all of my friends on Facebook, including that girl. It is as follows:

Dear Friends
If any of you were thinking that maybe you should contact ex-secret crushes on facebook and confess to them your ex-love to see if they as well had any ex-love for you as well, I recommend it. I can pretty much promise you that you will never EVER see them again.


Dear Ex-Secret Crushes
I think it's really funny that some of you have now deleted me as a friend, or listed me as a "limited profile" friend. Believe me, if I was still into you, I wouldn't have had the guts to say anything, but, being as things are, let me once again reaffirm that I'm over you. Yes, you were something, but I've moved on. Also, IF I WAS INTO YOU I WOULD'VE FOUND YOU ALREADY!!! AND WE WOULD BE TOGETHER!!! FOREVER!!!
ex-XoXo
OldEnough

P. S. Me being over you doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep reading your blog, even though it may not be linked to on your Facebook account. My computer has this thing called a "history" which can be converted into other things called "bookmarks." And yes - I love "blogs."

Funny? Yes. I laughed about it, my roommates laughed about it. It was funny, especially the part in caps. One roommate wisely advised that it sounded a little bitter. Naaaaah. I was showing the ex-crush's profile to another friend when I realized that she hadn't actually made me a "limited profile" friend--whoops! Wow, I sure am glad I didn't post this. Kind of. I still think it's hilarious.

So I won't put it on Facebook, but I will put it here. I think my secret fantasy is that ex-crush from college will actually randomly surf onto this blog, also think it's hilarious, and then she'll realize it was me, realize that she was in love with me and then WE WOULD BE TOGETHER!!! FOREVER!!!

It just doesn't stop being funny, does it?

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This Time For Real

Why would I choose this as the title of my blog? Well, I wanted an anonymous blog, totally unlinked, hopefully totally untraceable. I mean, if you know me, then you'll know me, but since you don't, you won't--right? Circular enough? Anyway, I had another blog, she's gone now because dumb Google bought dumb Blogger, and then forced me to use my Gmail account. So, I had to delete that blog and make up a fake Gmail account and so on and so on. How tedious. All the really good blog names are taken. They're not even in use anymore. Check it out. TheLastPlaceYouLook. LastPlaceYouLook. YouWillNeverFindMe. Need I continue? I could, believe me, I really really could. So many abandoned blogs--false starts. What have they all lapsed into? Where are these deadbeats now? They haven't posted in years. Try typing in a couple of possible blog names. If you had to change your blog, what would you change it to? Not that it matters--it's taken already anyway. I digress. The title is hopefully a hint at a lot of things to come, least of all is the fact that I'm really going to keep this blog going. Most of all is the fact that if my experiments go right, I will be able to fly.

Alright, so that's taken care of, now let's talk about past loves of my life. In my old blog, before it had to get trashed, I'd remarked about how this horrible horrible winter is almost enough to drive me into the arms of any willing girl, whether I really care about her or not. That's a bad thing, right--RIGHT? If you answered wrong, then you probably are a horrible horrible person and you deserve this horrible horrible winter. Anyway, I stumbled on some old love letters and pictures from old girlfriends and thought I'd post them... Maybe I still will. In the meantime, I received a friend request on Facebook that shivered me timbers--my ex crush from my oh-so-awkward freshman year of college (I probably use the double hyphen and the parenthetical statement too much, but you're just going to have to deal with it). Don't get me wrong, life can still be pretty awkward, but it has gone uphill since that year. Since the internet emboldens as no other medium can, I sent her a message as follows.

FAKENAME!
how are you doing? what are you doing? insert normal "hey facebook friend" question here.

this was a surprise. seeing as the internet emboldens like no other medium, and also as an extension of my new "balls out" (see the movie Rad for an explanation) philosophy, here is a question: did you ever have a crush on me? because i had a mad crush on you. i would like to thank the internet for finally affording me the chance for closure on this issue.
OldEnough

It felt so good to do, in a cathartic way, that I resolved to send a similar message to one of my high school crushes. Now, I have reason to believe that both of these girls could have had crushes on me, but I never went for it. Consequentially, both of these girls are infamous for the places they hold in the "Regrets" section of my life. It's been a day and neither have written back, but I'll keep you posted.
Emotionally Distant,
OldEnough
PS - Here's their pics. I think they're still both lookers. If either of you ever read this, which is pretty much an impossibility, congratulations on still being lookers. Here's the high school crush...



Here's the freshman year of college crush...

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