# 3

Okay... you baby. Once, I met this girl, and I was kinda crushing on her. This was right before I went on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. During LDS missions, missionaries are expected to put away all their worldly cares (including girls) while they focus on sharing the Gospel and service.

Well, it turned out this girl was going on a mission too, and at right about the same time, and to the same country. That meant that I'd end up seeing her for a week or two in the Brazilian Missionary Training Center. So time passed and I went on my mission. There I was, being diligent and focused in the Brazilian MTC and then one day I saw that girl. I totally forgot that our times were going to overlap, and it totally took me by surprise. There I was, a new missionary, totally trying to keep the rules, and this girl I was crushing on showed up.

Now the next part was immature and childish, but, if you know me even a little, that shouldn't be surprising. I was embarrassed that I still was crushing on this girl because now I was a missionary. I didn't know what to do, so I fell back on the time honored tradition of just pretending she wasn't there. So that's what I did. I never said "Hi" once. I never looked at her when we passed in the hallway; never waved in the lunchroom. It got to be really awkward (imagine that). Sometimes we'd be pretty much right next to each other, and I just pretended like she didn't exist. I could feel her looking at me. At meals, she started sitting facing me, and looking at me for the whole meal (it was bad... I felt bad, but since I'd started, I couldn't stop--what was I going to say "Oh hey, hey that was you this whole time... I thought maybe it was... uhhh, someone invisible..."). So I finally left, never having ever acknowledged her once.

I got to the point where I could realize how dumb I'd been, and just kinda laugh at it. I'd tell other missionaries about how dumb I'd been. We'd laugh about it. I could laugh about it because it was in the past. It was over and done. I got back from my mission and guess who was in my Portuguese class! That's right. That same girl. I went back to ignoring again... This time she didn't stare. She bought into the ignoring thing.

We continued this way until we were put into a group together. At that point, she said something like, "Oh, hey, didn't I know you before my mission?" I am grateful she provided me that out instead of just saying, "Why have you been ignoring me for 2 years?" I just kind of played it off like, "Umm... did I? Oh yeah, yeah, we lived in the same apartment complex." Like I said, horribly awkward, after that group session, we went back to ignoring each other. She'd pop up every now and then at parties, and sometimes my guilty conscience drove me to attempt awkward small talk (and not the good type of awkward small talk, when it's awkward and I think it's funny--I'm talking about the bad type of awkward small talk where your face blushes and it makes you drink your punch really quickly so you can get a refill). Anyway, sometimes I get horribly awkward dealing with girls that I have crushes on.

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Dating Art Majors

So I like art majors. I think that there are a lot of them who have a nice, defined style (taking whatever you got and making it work). There are also a lot of them who have very nice freckles, which is a huge plus.

BYU was having an art contest, and I saw the winning pieces and thought,"Wow, those are really good." Then I realized that I had dated the first and second place winner. Here's how it went with the first place winner...

I took a class with her right after my mission, and was immediately drawn to her because of her freckles and her Apple laptop. She always sat with a certain boy, who I took to be her boyfriend. Years later, it turns out that it was just her best friend's older married brother. In retrospect, I remember being confused about why she never wore her wedding band. About a year and a half after that, a friend wanted to set me up with her. I met her, but had my sights set on a different freckled girl (GF#2), who I ended up dating. After that relationship ended, and another one ended, some mutual friends told me that I should still ask her out. So I did. I don't know if you have ever kind of had a crush on someone, only to find out they are madly crushing on you? For some reason, to me, that's kind of a turn off. It's apparently this sick disease I have where I can only crush on girls who dislike me.

Anyway, she kind of warmed up and was very nice and very sincere, and I kind of cooled down... It wasn't totally my fault. She invited me to come inside, and then her dad kept speaking to me in Portuguese (which she doesn't speak). Only recently did she start talking to me again.

Now for the second place winner... I hope this doesn't make me seem like too much of a jerk. For some reason, people that don't know any better think that a film major is an attractive major. It's not. Once I bought a BYU Law t-shirt just to wear it (never saying that law school was my plan) and hopefully give girls the unconscious impression that I could offer stability. I can't. Anyway, all the girls in the class were easily impressed freshman, and I think they were easily impressed by my major. One of these girls had very good style though... I remember telling my mom about her orange moccasins. That wasn't the best idea because then for the next year my mom would keep asking, "What about that orange moccasin girl? Do you still see her?" Anyway, when I heard that she kind of had an interest in me, it gave me the necessary guts to ask her out. I did, and we had fun breaking into an abandoned house. We went out several times. I came to a fork in the road however, to the left lay orange moccasin girl, and to the right lay GF#2. I chose GF#2 because she was a little more mature.

About a year later, GF#2 was out of the picture, and on an impulse (I worried about the ethics of this, but several girls assured me it wasn't that bad), I called up orange moccasin girl again. We went out to a coffin factory and had a good time, and I also started dating GF#3 around that same time. Once again, I found myself at a fork in the road, and didn't choose orange moccasin girl for the same reason. Yes, I realize I did this twice. I realize this is a really bad thing to do to someone, but it was never something I set out to do... and if I would've chosen her fork the second time, it would've been insincere. Anyway, this girl still won't talk to me. When she sees me on campus, she turns her head. When she sees me at parties, she leaves. I can't really blame her. HOWEVER, if she didn't ignore me, I'd probably ask her out again--I bet we'd still have fun.

I wonder if the two of them ever get together and talk trash about me. I would...

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Soo, about following impulses...

This is the note that I almost published on Facebook today... The college ex-crush had changed my friend status to a "limited profile" friend (for those of you that are Facebook illiterate, that would mean that certain things, like contact info, were no longer viewable by me). I thought that it was so funny that she did that (or even thought that I might stalk her), that I drafted a note that would've been viewable to all of my friends on Facebook, including that girl. It is as follows:

Dear Friends
If any of you were thinking that maybe you should contact ex-secret crushes on facebook and confess to them your ex-love to see if they as well had any ex-love for you as well, I recommend it. I can pretty much promise you that you will never EVER see them again.


Dear Ex-Secret Crushes
I think it's really funny that some of you have now deleted me as a friend, or listed me as a "limited profile" friend. Believe me, if I was still into you, I wouldn't have had the guts to say anything, but, being as things are, let me once again reaffirm that I'm over you. Yes, you were something, but I've moved on. Also, IF I WAS INTO YOU I WOULD'VE FOUND YOU ALREADY!!! AND WE WOULD BE TOGETHER!!! FOREVER!!!
ex-XoXo
OldEnough

P. S. Me being over you doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep reading your blog, even though it may not be linked to on your Facebook account. My computer has this thing called a "history" which can be converted into other things called "bookmarks." And yes - I love "blogs."

Funny? Yes. I laughed about it, my roommates laughed about it. It was funny, especially the part in caps. One roommate wisely advised that it sounded a little bitter. Naaaaah. I was showing the ex-crush's profile to another friend when I realized that she hadn't actually made me a "limited profile" friend--whoops! Wow, I sure am glad I didn't post this. Kind of. I still think it's hilarious.

So I won't put it on Facebook, but I will put it here. I think my secret fantasy is that ex-crush from college will actually randomly surf onto this blog, also think it's hilarious, and then she'll realize it was me, realize that she was in love with me and then WE WOULD BE TOGETHER!!! FOREVER!!!

It just doesn't stop being funny, does it?

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This Time For Real

Why would I choose this as the title of my blog? Well, I wanted an anonymous blog, totally unlinked, hopefully totally untraceable. I mean, if you know me, then you'll know me, but since you don't, you won't--right? Circular enough? Anyway, I had another blog, she's gone now because dumb Google bought dumb Blogger, and then forced me to use my Gmail account. So, I had to delete that blog and make up a fake Gmail account and so on and so on. How tedious. All the really good blog names are taken. They're not even in use anymore. Check it out. TheLastPlaceYouLook. LastPlaceYouLook. YouWillNeverFindMe. Need I continue? I could, believe me, I really really could. So many abandoned blogs--false starts. What have they all lapsed into? Where are these deadbeats now? They haven't posted in years. Try typing in a couple of possible blog names. If you had to change your blog, what would you change it to? Not that it matters--it's taken already anyway. I digress. The title is hopefully a hint at a lot of things to come, least of all is the fact that I'm really going to keep this blog going. Most of all is the fact that if my experiments go right, I will be able to fly.

Alright, so that's taken care of, now let's talk about past loves of my life. In my old blog, before it had to get trashed, I'd remarked about how this horrible horrible winter is almost enough to drive me into the arms of any willing girl, whether I really care about her or not. That's a bad thing, right--RIGHT? If you answered wrong, then you probably are a horrible horrible person and you deserve this horrible horrible winter. Anyway, I stumbled on some old love letters and pictures from old girlfriends and thought I'd post them... Maybe I still will. In the meantime, I received a friend request on Facebook that shivered me timbers--my ex crush from my oh-so-awkward freshman year of college (I probably use the double hyphen and the parenthetical statement too much, but you're just going to have to deal with it). Don't get me wrong, life can still be pretty awkward, but it has gone uphill since that year. Since the internet emboldens as no other medium can, I sent her a message as follows.

FAKENAME!
how are you doing? what are you doing? insert normal "hey facebook friend" question here.

this was a surprise. seeing as the internet emboldens like no other medium, and also as an extension of my new "balls out" (see the movie Rad for an explanation) philosophy, here is a question: did you ever have a crush on me? because i had a mad crush on you. i would like to thank the internet for finally affording me the chance for closure on this issue.
OldEnough

It felt so good to do, in a cathartic way, that I resolved to send a similar message to one of my high school crushes. Now, I have reason to believe that both of these girls could have had crushes on me, but I never went for it. Consequentially, both of these girls are infamous for the places they hold in the "Regrets" section of my life. It's been a day and neither have written back, but I'll keep you posted.
Emotionally Distant,
OldEnough
PS - Here's their pics. I think they're still both lookers. If either of you ever read this, which is pretty much an impossibility, congratulations on still being lookers. Here's the high school crush...



Here's the freshman year of college crush...

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