What A Girl Really Wants, Really

For some reason, when I was a freshman in college, I was really convinced that girls were really into guys with really big jaws. Since I really wanted to be a stud, I took it upon myself to get a really big jaw. "But how do you get a big jaw?" you might wonder. This is how--you chew a lot of gum.

I started chewing 2 pieces of Bubbleyum (preferably watermelon) at a time. For those of you who don't know, that's a lot of gum. Some people I know only chew a half piece of Bubbleyum at a time. It's really that big. I'd go through quite a bit of gum a day, but it was a worthwhile sacrifice in my quest for a really big jaw. I thought it would be really funny if I started saving all the chewed gum in a ball (partially in homage to Pee Wee's aluminum foil ball, and partially to annoy my roommate).

The ball grew and grew, until it was really big. My roommate dared me to try and chew it, and I thought, "Why not?" I washed the dust off the ball, and tried to get it in my mouth all at once (which was quite the feat, it was a really big ball). I started chewing and--IT WAS SO HARD TO CHEW!!! I had discovered the holy grail of getting a really big jaw! Not only was it a lot of gum for my poor jaw to chew, it was also hard dry gum. I started chewing it regularly, and in no time, I had a really big jaw. Honestly, I'd clench my jaw and it was like I had 2 walnuts in my mouth.

1) It didn't really work. I didn't get any chicks.

2) Now my jaw clicks whenever I yawn. I'm afraid that I'm going to get jawrthiritis.

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