Things from my Old Blog

Well, I'm sick. I don't recall having been this sick in a long time. I couldn't sleep that well though I tried to for about 17 hours. Honestly, some of my best sleep was when I fell asleep next to the garbage can that I had been trying unsuccessfully to puke in. Well, on that note, here goes... Starting with the first post all the way to the last...


The Absolute Truth



It's true... I love secrets. So you can just pick which of these two pictures you think I really am. Did you know that Max Headroom wasn't computer generated? Or was he. Let me just preface everything written here with the fact that I am a relentless liar, BUT (and this is the thing with liars) how do you know I'm telling the truth.
¬
For that matter, most of the really and truthfully bizarre, strange, and otherwise unbelievable things that I have heard in my life have been nonfiction (a dirty little word that some call truth). I mean, truth's not all that bad. What's so great about truth is that it's always around, so you can always come back to it. Sometimes you only get one chance for a REALLY good lie, so here's to always taking that chance. Here's to me starting a blog instead of the hundred other really pressing things that I could be doing.

Public Bathrooms


Public bathrooms. This is the first, but definitely not the last, time that I will bring this up. It's an interesting place, so private, yet so--um, public. I am pretty firmly against public bathrooms and try not to use them whenever possible. That being said, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Today was one of those days, and I used a public bathroom. Today was also a really long day, and sometimes I have the tendency to just sit and relax and decompress on the toilet. Foolishly, I was doing the aforementioned when someone entered.

It's one thing to privately use a public restroom, but it's an entirely different thing to publicly use a public restroom. So this person came in, and then I heard this high voice talking to itself. It said, "Some people never flush." That's true, some people never do. I thought it was a girl talking. Instantly, I started thinking, "Did I see any urinals in here?" I couldn't remember. I figured that I might have been so tired that I wandered into the girls bathroom, but I didn't--it was just a 12 year old boy. Thanks a lot for freaking me out, 12 year old boy. I think that bathrooms should maybe be divided into high voices and low voices. Maybe not though, if I get stage fright in front of a guy, it would probably be twice as worse in front of a low-voiced girl.

One time, on a high school field trip in my hometown, we went to the city. The teachers turned all the students loose for lunch, and I found myself in a train station with no one else around. There was a girls' bathroom and a boys' bathroom. I thought to myself, "Hey, how about I use a girls' bathroom? I've never done it before, it might be different--and fun!" So I did. I was in that stall not one minute before someone walked in. It was one of the teachers chaperoning the field trip. She must've figured I was a student because she actually talked to me through the stalls (I don't know about girls' bathrooms, but this is a cardinal sin in mens' bathrooms). I tried my best to make my "Mmm Hmm" sound high pitched. I had to wait until she left. I don't think I've used a women's rest room until this past year, just a couple weeks ago. I was at my place of work late one night. There was no one else there, and I used the girls' bathroom once again out of sheer curiousity (which is actually one of my main reasons for doing anything). It wasn't that great. I don't know what I was expecting. They did have free tampons, though.


Halloween


Wow, what a great party it was at the Hollywood House, aka Jock Rock House. Wow, what a great place it was to dance. Wow, what a great music selection, and it was sufficiently loud. There can only be so many disappointing DJs in a row before one goes absolutely crazy. I guess that's the thing about being a DJ-everyone with an iPod thinks they can do it. Well, they probably can. Anyway, does Halloween just get sluttier every year or am I just noticing it now? How much less can people wear? Wait, I do know the answer to that question. Let's phrase it as a question-- What is a "a little bit less" more? Exactly. My favorite part of the night, aside from leaving to go to a different place where people actually had space to dance, was when Rick Kane met up with Lance Burkhardt, Lance was all painted like on the real movie. Oh those Utah surfers. The other favorite part of the night was when Rick Kane looked at me and said, "I sure hope my future wife isn't here." I mean, I always thought he was gay... On a side note, once I saw Lance Burkhardt (well, the actor that played him, you know that guy that never did anything else? what's his name?) He was at X-Dance (what a poser). He had stepped out of the showing of his film to feed his baby. He's actually a pretty small guy, I had no idea. So I went up to him and said, "Hey Laird, I really liked your work in North Shore." He stared blankly, and then said, "Thanks." That was that, my brush with a legend.

Public Bathrooms Again


So, I'm sure there are the silent types out there. You're in a stall, and someone walks in, so you freeze everything, and try to make no sounds. That's okay. There's a lot of you out there, dare I even say there's a lot of us out there? Today, my favorite (not that I really like any of them, but the one that I prefer) bathroom was just full of people. I could not attend to nature's call with so many people crowding me. I went to another bathroom (I try to pick the most out of the way bathrooms, because hopefully there will be less people), but there was one guy in my preferred stall (the one furthest from the door). So I chose the stall furthest away from him (closest to the door). Never having been forced to use that stall until today, I noticed a singular irregularity in the tile at my feet. Hundreds and hundreds of tiles perfectly in perfect little rows, except for one little tile. Who was that tile? Probably **** *********. Anyway, I was now in a predicament, I didn't want to initiate because of the proximity of that guy. Then I noticed that that guy was also not making any sounds. "Oh no," I thought, "what if we are both silent poopers?" We would both just be sitting there forever, silently waiting for the other person to leave so that we could start our business. So we waited in silence. We waited until a third person came in, and then it was safe to make sounds (if it's just one guy, he KNOWS it's you, but with two, you never can be too sure). This is another reason why I hate public bathrooms.

Sofia Coppola—I’m Sorry

Recently, I just watched Bram Stoker's Dracula. It was a free movie on our cable service and I had absolutely nothing to do. Anyway, I have since realized that if Sofia Coppola and I ever met, and she were to take a fancy to me, and maybe even ask me out, I would have to turn her down. Here is why--she would probably like me and we would date, and then she'd invite me to her house for Thanksgiving dinner.

INT. COPPOLA DINING ROOM-- NIGHT

The Coppolas are all sitting at one end of the table, FRANCIS is at the head. ROMAN is wearing a monogrammed shirt. JASON SCHWARTZMAN is there as well. They are pals. I sit at the other end of the table. There is probably a lot of gold--tacky gold, and candles in tacky gold candleabras.

SOFIA
So Daddy, he just saw your Dracula movie!

FRANCIS
Oh you did, did you? Well, what did you think? Speak up?

ME
Dracula? Ha ha. Well... yeah.

FRANCIS
What?

JASON
You didn't actually say anything about that, did you? You just kind of trailed off, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?

Jason is now standing and pointing at me.

ME (VO)
Jason? You? You've turned on me too? But I liked you so much in Rushmore? And even in I Heart Huckabees? People said it felt like a Wes Anderson rip-off but I said, "No, no, it has HEART! (that's a funny little joke as well as a true comment-whatever is in these parentheses doesn't actually get read in the VO, it's just to clarify. I know, I know, witty repartee and impenetrable humor have never been wed in such a way.)

FRANCIS
I have the power to hear your voice over.

ME (VO)
Oh do you, Frrraaaannnnccciiissss(Francis is pronounced like PeeWee says it in PeeWee's Big Adventure)?

FRANCIS
Yes, I do.

ME (VO)
Crap.

FRANCIS
And please, don't use words like that at the dinner table.

ME
Sorry. Okay, I'll be frank (get it? GET IT?) with you (and I guess he's being Frank with me too). I found it cheap, and the most disturbing part was the sexuality, how it was gratuitous and cheapened to the point of pornography. I had to keep fast-forwaring through your film because it was so poor.

SOFIA
But he likes The Godfather, Daddy? He loves it!

ME (VO)
oh crap.

FRANCIS
Enough with the language, please. You haven't seen The Godfather?

ALL
You haven't seen The Godfather?

MARLON BRANDO's head pops out from the side of the frame.

MARLON
You haven't? But you've seen A Streetcar Named Desire, right?

SOFIA
The Conversation?

I shake my head.

Jason, who has since sat down, stands up again, and points.

JASON
WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

I get up slowly, taking my napkin from my collar where I was wearing it like a bib.

ME
I don't know why I tried. I knew I'd never fit in with the Hollywood elite. Sofia, this just was never meant to be. I should've known that after the first time I saw Lost in Translation. AND YOU FRANCIS--

I point--finger trembling with rage.

ME (Cont.)
I NEVER EVER EVER LIKED APOCALYPSE NOW!

A hush falls over the table. Sofia averts her pretty horsey-brown eyes as they fill with tears.

SOFIA (whispering, no--BARELY a whisper)
How could I have been such a fool? Go now... go.

I exit.

FADE OUT:

See? Now I have to hate all the Coppolas except for Roman, he did an excellent job with CQ and actually did very little to make me feel uncomfortable. As for Jason, well he's been so Hollywood ever since he left Phantom Planet. And Sofia, as a final gentlemanly gesture to our never-will-be relationship, I have included only the most flattering pictures of you...



Sofia Coppola--I'm sorry...

Sofia Coppola—Part 2



Dear Sofia Coppola
I watched Lost in Translation again. Still, I am sad to say that it will not work out with me and you (see last entry). However, it still might work out with me and Scarlett, as long as you don't get jealous and interfere. Well, I am sorry -- you had your chance with a genius already, and somehow that slipped your fingers (well, I don't know whose fault it was, but I like Adaptation more than Lost in Translation, so you know whose side I'm going to take). Anyway, let's talk more about Scarlett? What is she like? No matter how much you tried to masculinize her to fit in with your empowered self-image, she somehow still retained an air of femininity--and yes, even that sweet vulnerability that seems to have drawn me in in past times. Hmm, get back to me soon. Maybe you can introduce us at Sundance this year.
Love,
Me

PS - You better do it quick. As I looked for pictures of Scarlett on the internet, I found out that she was wearing a bull ring in her nose after she came back from Jamaica, AND that she signed a record contract to cut an album just of Tom Waits' songs. I might be rapidly losing interest--is her sexiness just the plastic sexiness of Hollywood spin? Maybe yes.

WHY AM I STILL ON HOLD??!!!!!


DEAR E-TRADE,
IT IS NOT 4:03 AM-no, it is. I HAVE BEEN ON HOLD SINCE 1:32 AM. ARE YOU REALLY THAT BUSY? NOT TO BE NEUROTIC OR ANYTHING, BUT THAT'S TWO AND ONE HALF HOURS OF BEING ON HOLD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! Oh, I am sorry, I was unaware that you ran the entire market for the whole of Australia, and they're all calling you RIGHT NOW! AND CHINA TOO! And China 2 - China's revenge!!! That would be a great movie, don't none of you touch that idea, I'm already typing up the treatment. So anyway E-Trade, I hate hate hate you. Thanks for nothing, really, for not being good at anything, I'm going to give up now, and I hate to do that. I hate to give up. As a winner, I really only like to win, and at best this is a tie, I shudder to think what it might be at worst (me being a winner and all).
Love,
Me

PS - I was even going to go for a 3peat of Sofia Coppola blogs, but you even broke that. You are the slave driver that whipped that guy from Reading Rainbow yelling "John John, your name is John!" when he kept yelling "Kunta Kunta Kunta Kinte!" That was so horrible that it was burned into my brain and has since passed from being formative to hilarious, but not in a racist way, in a melodramatic way. You though, E-trade, I doubt will ever make it past the "horrible" stage.

The Cruise, pt. 1


You know, there were a lot of things that I planned on writing in this blog, especially regarding this last break, but I haven't so there. I can't remember a lot of them. There were several things that I do remember though --so, lucky you. And yes, this is the same boat that I was on. I spent a lot of time on the "prow" (i think that means front, or the "starboard"-- whatever) at night time. I really liked the ocean, it was so big. I really appreciate its bigness.

1 - Wow, I dislike Florida. It's like New York's secret elephant dying grounds, but instead of elephants, it's old people that just come there to die. At least the sharks are well fed.

2 - Thanks for having me fill out a slip asking if I've recently had diarrhea (which I did, because of a rather well-timed bout of Christmas food poisoning). Upon reading the slip, I also appreciate you asking about it, then calling over a boss, and having him rather loudly say, "So, you recently had diarrhea?" That also was awesome, and not at all embarrassing. The only people that heard it were my immediate family and the 50 other people in line.

3 - I want to learn to line dance. It was so just not my thing that it was fun--and apparently a lot of girls are into it. And Spanish dancing. There was a Spanish couple that was always dancing, and they were so GOOD! I still don't know if they were lovers or just brother and sister (I understand that Latin dancing is fairly passionate, sooooo......). Anyway, also, thanks to the DJ who played Shakira's newest album in its entirety every single night. I hate not knowing how to dance to something.

4 - That being said. I really really LOVE cruises. I thought that I might have a tough time doing nothing aside from reading and sleeping and eating and dancing, but it turns out that I don't. Eating was fun again! I bet it normally is when you don't have to cook it and clean it up and you actually have a table to eat at, but since my normal experience with meals isn't quite like my meal experience on the cruise ship... I really should get a kitchen table.

5 Movies, All Called “The Return”

Dear Blogger
No, I don't want to switch. I like the old style fine. I don't want to use my Gmail account to sign in, because then I may have to get a Gmail account.

As I was eating breakfast today (I only cook and clean and actually write on this blog when I am putting off doing something important, like a shotlist or rewriting a script that's supposed to get shot ummm tomorrow), I thought of the time that I wrote a letter to Charlie Kaufman. Actually, it was to him in care of his agent. I wonder if he got it. He never did write back. Why not? What else is Oscar-winning Charlie Kaufman going to do with his time? Ummmm, maybe he's busy not finishing the untitled horror piece with Spike Jonze. Not finishing something--I can relate. Writing has seemed to become something that happens when I find there is no possible way to further procrastinate.

Anyway, I digress, I was thinking, "What if I wrote a letter to Martin Scorsece (in care of his agent, of course, unless any of you non-existent readers have his home address) as if I were Kevin Costner?" That letter would probably go like this...

Dear Martin,
Remember how I'm really more of an actor than a director, but I won an Oscar for Directing and you haven't? Yeah, in fact, it was for Cheaper than Wolves or Faster than Wolves (it meant so little to me that I forget its name), and I think it was the same year Goodfellas was nominated and lost... to me.... and Cheaper Than Wolves. I was just thinking that as I ate my cereal today, so I thought I'd drop you a quick note.
Love,
Kev C.

It would make my day to be able to read the letter that Martin would write back.

A General Sort of Dissatiscation

Awwwwww YEAH! February--why is it constantly the worst of times? The darkest and deepest part of winter, the most unbearable part of the semester, the most frigid of relationships. It's almost enough to drive me into the arms of any willing girl. Yeah, maybe I should start thinking about who might be willing...