Future Brian

Turns out I used to write stuff... Sometimes even just for fun. I hadn't turned on my computer in --four? i think it was 4-- years. Going through some old stuff, and found this. I present to you... Future Brian.

FUTURE BRIAN

Brian's phone simultaneously buzzed and chimed.  It was a text message -- a text message from "Future Brian."

'Hey,' it read.  'What's up?'

That's odd, Brian thought.  I don't remember putting a 'Future Brian' into my phone.

He quickly scrolled to his list of contacts and found 'Future Brian.'  The number was his own.

Someone was playing a joke on Brian, and he was going to ignore it (though he had to admit that it was a masterful prank).

Another buzz and a chime.  'Not a joke,' it read, 'though it would be a masterful one.'

Brian was still puzzling over the second text when the third arrived with another annoying buzz and a chime.  He silenced his phone.

Who keeps texting you? his girlfriend asked. Should I be jealous?

No, someone from work.

Tell them it's Saturday, and you're spending the day with your lovely girlfriend.

Brian barely heard her.  He was still trying to understand how someone was texting him from his own number.

'I just got the newest iPhone,' the text said.  'You can send texts to the past.'

This is bizarre, he thought.  Very, very bizarre.  That almost sounds like something I would say, if I were texting myself from the future.  I'd be funnier though.

Buzz -- no chime.  'LOL.  I remember getting that last text and thinking that I'd have 10 years to come up with a better joke, but honestly -- that's all I've got.'

Buzz.  'You still don't believe me, do you?  Text me back!!!  This really is Future Brian!'

Brian had been running through the list of people that knew him well enough to do this joke.  It was a short and improbable list.  They were either too old to be sufficiently adept technologically (his parents) or too dull (his friends).  It wasn't his girlfriend (though she was masterfully witty in her own right), she was cooking green curry and hadn't picked up a phone during the entire exchange.

He texted back two words, 'Prove it.'

How exactly would one prove to oneself that they were from the future? Brian mused.  He was interrupted by another buzz.  As Brian read the message, his face paled.

There was a secret about Brian that only three people in the world knew, his mother, his father, and him.  The doctor who delivered him knew as well, but was long since dead.  It was a horrible, awful secret -- a deeply embarrassing secret (though it was due to no fault of his own).  He had never told anyone his secret, not even his sweet, sweet girlfriend.  Brian read the text message again, 'We were born with a tail.'

This was true.  Brian had been born with a slight tail, a one and a half inch, fleshy extension protruding from his tailbone.  The doctor had neatly clipped it off with a pair of bone shears, and asked the parents if they wanted to keep it.

Whatever for? his horrified parents had asked.

Some think its lucky, responded the doctor.  I never understood that myself.

He threw the tail into a nearby waste receptacle.

Anyway, these things happen.  Mums the word, eh?  He winked slyly and moved on to his next delivery.

When his mother finally broke down and tearfully confessed to Brian that he had been born with a tail, she wasn't crying because she was horrified or concerned about what else might be different about her boy.  She was crying because she felt incredibly guilty that she had allowed to doctor to throw his tail away.

You're such a good boy, she sobbed.  We shouldn't have wasted a single piece of you.  I'm so sorry.

The then 6 year old Brian had assured her that they had made the right decision.  He had honestly never thought twice about the smooth scar near his tailbone.  He had always assumed it was from some childhood accident.  Years later, he had told as much to his girlfriend, after the first time they had made love.  He'd said that he'd been running around without his diapers, and had fallen backwards onto the edge of some concrete steps.  

Lovely, just lovely, his girlfriend had said, her hand resting lightly on his tailbone.  I'm glad you have that scar.  If you didn't, you'd be perfect -- and perfect is really not so perfect, do you know what I mean?

Brian had not known, but had nodded his accord nonetheless.  It was an uncomfortable topic for him, and he was blushing.  His girlfriend had assumed that it was because of her compliment, but actually, it was because Brian was deeply ashamed.  It was a twofold shame that he felt -- first, for being born with a tail, and second, for lying to the love of his life.  It was the only lie he had ever told her.

Who knew his secret?  Brian felt nauseous.  It could not have been one of his friends.  It was not his parents (even if they had figured out how to text, they knew it was too sore of a subject for joking).  Brian texted back, 'Is this God?'

The thirty seconds that passed before Brian received a response seemed eternal.  He spent the time trying to reconcile his monolithic and faceless image of God with this new pleasantly jovial God.

Buzz.  'Ha.  No.  Well not yet, anyway.  Our future is good, but not that good.'

Puzzled, Brian responded, 'Not yet?'

'Well, you convert to Mormonism.  It's difficult to explain over text.'

Brian had met a Mormon only once before, a shy girl in his college physics class.  He thought it odd that a 20 year old would still be in braces.

'Mormon?  How many wives do I have?'

Buzz.  'No, it's not like that at all.  Listen, when two 20 year olds named Elder come to your door, just let them in.  You'll like them.  This is beside the point.'

'What is the point?'

'Well, I guess there really is no point.  I just wanted to see if this 'text the past' thing worked.'

'Am I married?'  Brian snuck a hurried glance at his girlfriend.  She caught his eye and smiled.

Currys almost ready, dear.

Buzz.  'Of course, and you have 3 beautiful children.  A fourth on the way.'

'Who am I married to?'

'Who do you think?'  Brian's face reddened as he realized that he did already know.  He could not imagine his life without her.

His heart was thumping.  'Am I happy?'

'Absurdly so.  Anyway, I have to help round up the kids for dinner.  Nice talking to you.'

'Okay.'  Brian paused in his texting.  What does one say in this situation?  'Thanks,' he typed, pausing again.  'Does she know about the tail?'

His girlfriend set a steaming pot of curry on the table.  Brian, let's eat.  She started setting the table with plates and cups.

Buzz.  'Of course.'

Brian set down his phone.  His head was swimming, but in a good way.  He was not sure if he was hallucinating or not -- it did have the feel of a kind of delicious dream.  He walked into the kitchen, and caught his girlfriend in his arms, and gave her an enormous kiss.  I love you.  He kissed her again.  I love you so much.

Well, she said, slightly surprised.  I should make curry more often.